Story by J. Jonah Jameson, Editor.
Stonington, New York, Friday — A shocking turn of events this afternoon when the government agency known as SHIELD set up camp and surrounded the Dee-Lite Amusement Park. The agency declined to comment, but our aerial helicopter managed to get several high profile shots of Captain America on the scene.
Whatever happened in that theme park, the Daily Bugle has discovered one thing — Captain America doesn’t stand for America at all. Here in these photos, exclusive to the Daily Bugle, we see him carrying a man from the dark. No one else was removed, no one else laid on the stretcher with such care. We know, by insignia on his shoulders, that he is SHIELD, but as of now, we have no indication of who this man is.
Why does it matter?
[A series of photos showcase Steve carrying a hurt Phil from the tunnel of love, pulling his glove off with his teeth, squeezing Phil’s hand, and leaning down to whisper to him. All are very intimate, and give a sense of voyeurism; all look to have been shot with a telephoto lens.]
No doubt the liberal left would have you believe that this is a brave new world, where even a man like Captain America can showcase who he really is, but answer me this, America — do you want this man representing the stars and stripes? Do you want your children looking up to him?
As the editor of the Daily Bugle, I have faithfully reported all of these so-called ‘superheroes’ for what they are — charlatans causing property damage at best, killing sprees at worst. While they wage their own personal wars, with monsters from nightmare that didn’t appear until after these costumed menaces did, mind you, the common man like you and I are stuck in the middle.
How many of you were caught in the Manhattan Incident? How many of you were hurt because these yahoos just happened to be in the city?
It’s bad enough that there are those who wear their costumes with pride, without bothering to hide their identities — Tony Stark, for one, comes to mind.
But this man, who wears the stars and stripes? I don’t know about you, but he doesn’t represent my America.
And that’s the problem. We can’t even strip him of his rank and title, because the title wasn’t an official grant from the US army. It was a joke, a once off made to sell war bonds. He came from a bottle, a freak of experimentation. There will never be another super soldier, and we failed with this one, too. He’ll never lay down the shield voluntarily, and he’s now on SHIELD’s payroll.
Then again, what can you expect from a man who helped cause over eight million dollars in damage to the city alone? It’s another notch in the bedpost, if you will.
I call for Captain America to lay down his flag, because ‘We the People’ doesn’t mean ‘me and my superpowered orgy’.